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Broken Hearted

On Sunday March 5, 2017 – I suffered a miscarriage, losing our miracle baby. It is now Friday, and only now do I have the strength and hope in my heart to even talk about this. Some may ask, “why share such a personal painful thing?” First – I share this story for those who have felt this heartbreak in their own lives and like me – didn’t find much comfort or even information online. Second, I share this story because I am surprised how little I knew about what was happening to me physically, and again, I couldn’t find the answers. I know every woman is different, and simply put – this is just another chapter in our little love story.

Sunday was like any other day, until went to the restroom and discovered I was bleeding. Instantly I went into panic as it was just a little – it was pretty similar to a period. We went into the doctors office where they did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat and that the baby was a week behind in development. As the technician walked out he said how sorry he was – and left me with my Mr to get dressed. I cried. At that moment I felt all the loss a mother could feel losing her baby. This was our baby who we worked so hard for, we sacrificed so much for – and now – they were gone.

I spent the rest of the day basically in bed – heartbroken and crying as my body worked to expel the tissue that was once the center of my universe. When the moment came that I passed the fetal tissue – I was devastated. It was different from everything else, it was just clot or blood – it was – different.  I spent most of the evening cramping and bleeding. Six days later, I am still bleeding – but my body is healing. It is down to a normal period flow and I can feel my body beginning to recover. I have been trying to eat healthier to encourage that healing and overall wellness.

My heart is a different matter. Each day is a little better, today is the first day I feel like a little bit of my old self again. I took the baby out for errands, spent time playing blocks and chasing her up the stairs while wrangling our new puppy. For the first time since it happened, the pain and loss in my heart were just at a slow burn and no longer the center of my world.

But there are those moment when a tear comes to my eyes. Like as I was picking up the bedroom and found the sweet baby gown I purchased for our new little one just a few days before the miscarriage. Or when the sweet woman at the grocery store asked me how I was feeling and I broke down and replied that I had lost the baby, or even just laying in bed in the quiet of the evening where there are no distractions from our loss.

This is the pain of losing a baby – and do not mistake – that was our baby. It wasn’t just a clump of cells easily discarded. I know I will see this sweet baby someday and I will meet the one who God needed to come back by his side.

Today, I am hopeful. I know that my Mr and I will have our sweet miracle soon enough. I believe in our love and the knowledge we share that there is a sweet little spirit waiting to come and be all ours. Today I am going to hold my babies close, even the ones that are taller than me. I am going to kiss my sweet Mr. and try to focus on all we have and all that is coming. And yes – I will likely shed another tear, for the little one we lost at least for this life. Not every chapter of a love story is a happy one, but I am hopeful that the next one can be.

My Valentine – Your daily dose of squish

One of the things I love about my Mr, is his unique way about him. Outwardly he may not seem very romantic. He is after all a hard nut to crack, very analytical and logical, and he doesn’t believe in grand show boating gestures. He prefers to show he loves me in quiet loving ways, usually more privately between just the two of us. And I wouldn’t change him for the world. He wrote me this poem this morning… it is a dying art, but one he keeps alive just for me. I don’t share many of his poems because they are deeply personal. But this one I couldn’t resist.

Night was once falling
So ending that long day
The road was ending
And I felt cast away.
Across the plain
Across the sea
I wandered far
And was lost
From a life
Of great cost.
And then a star
Did shine above
This lovely glow
Pale as a dove
That I watched
And then chased
As the wind bade me.
Across the plains
And through jagged pass
I did chase the fleeing sun
To find a new dawn
A new life
A new love.
And here I am
This wandering soul
Who has never
Done as told
And found more
That’s for sure
In this love
That you give
Makes me whole.
I love you
I will confess
For in it I am blessed
From now until the next
Past the veil.
I’ll always seek
That great star
No matter how many times
I am lost
For its path shall lead me
To discovery.
I’ll always be there
This flawed man
Chasing Heaven’s gem
For it is the only treasure
That makes me rich.

Written by Matthew Moses

Old Mom – a baby story (the sequel)

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The next chapter of our little love story is upon us. First a recap. Currently we have 3 older daughters – Sierra (19) Savannah (17) and Sedona (14) from a previous marriage, and Matthew and I have Samara, who is one – together. Samara is a Clomid baby.

Fast forward to today. We have been on clomid again officially for 5 cycles at 150 MG dose. I am showing that I ovulate, but we have not – at this point been able to make it happen. So we recently went to a fertility specialist to see if we can move things along. The reality is I am now 43 and the clock is for sure ticking. The doc was awesome and went over the battery of testing that I will go through and the various options we have, assuming I do in fact still have some viable eggs.

So the next step is simple. This weekend we are undergoing IUI – Intrauterine Insemination. In the am my Mr will have a date with a cup, then the tech will take his… uh… “sample” and test it. Once tested they will then “prepare” it. I don’t really know what that entails, I imagine it is the medical version of the Braveheart speech – just getting his boys ready for the mission, throwing on a sperm war paint and getting PUMPED! A couple hours later I go in and well as they explain it (I have never done this so I am just going by what they tell me) they will place a catheter all the way in to deposit the boys into the uterus giving them a little head start on their journey.

Can I tell you. This is weird. Seriously. As the nurse was explaining to me how this all works – all I could think is how the hell does anyone get pregnant? I mean it sounds impossible, so many moons need to line up. Those little swimmers have a pretty hefty journey. It is nothing short of miraculous – with or without medical intervention. The other thing I was thinking was “try not to laugh and reveal you have the maturity of Beavis and Butthead”…

NOW, If I don’t get pregnant with this, then the battery of tests starts. And I won’t lie – they don’t sound pleasant. And If the tests come back that I do have viable eggs – we will then move on to a more aggressive treatment plan. With needles and stuff. Lets hope it doesn’t come to that.

I have tried to temper my feelings. After all – there are countless couples who are struggling to have a baby, let alone their 5th. I have been blessed with four amazing daughters, so I really have nothing to complain about. But that said, this journey is sobering. At every turn I am reminded that I am in fact a mother of “ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE”. I am bombarded with statistics and reminders of all the things that can go wrong and how being 43 just increases all those chances. But the Mr. and I just know – we have one more little waiting for us. So our journey continues. More to come…