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My Valentine – Your daily dose of squish

One of the things I love about my Mr, is his unique way about him. Outwardly he may not seem very romantic. He is after all a hard nut to crack, very analytical and logical, and he doesn’t believe in grand show boating gestures. He prefers to show he loves me in quiet loving ways, usually more privately between just the two of us. And I wouldn’t change him for the world. He wrote me this poem this morning… it is a dying art, but one he keeps alive just for me. I don’t share many of his poems because they are deeply personal. But this one I couldn’t resist.

Night was once falling
So ending that long day
The road was ending
And I felt cast away.
Across the plain
Across the sea
I wandered far
And was lost
From a life
Of great cost.
And then a star
Did shine above
This lovely glow
Pale as a dove
That I watched
And then chased
As the wind bade me.
Across the plains
And through jagged pass
I did chase the fleeing sun
To find a new dawn
A new life
A new love.
And here I am
This wandering soul
Who has never
Done as told
And found more
That’s for sure
In this love
That you give
Makes me whole.
I love you
I will confess
For in it I am blessed
From now until the next
Past the veil.
I’ll always seek
That great star
No matter how many times
I am lost
For its path shall lead me
To discovery.
I’ll always be there
This flawed man
Chasing Heaven’s gem
For it is the only treasure
That makes me rich.

Written by Matthew Moses

Old Mom – a baby story (the sequel)

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The next chapter of our little love story is upon us. First a recap. Currently we have 3 older daughters – Sierra (19) Savannah (17) and Sedona (14) from a previous marriage, and Matthew and I have Samara, who is one – together. Samara is a Clomid baby.

Fast forward to today. We have been on clomid again officially for 5 cycles at 150 MG dose. I am showing that I ovulate, but we have not – at this point been able to make it happen. So we recently went to a fertility specialist to see if we can move things along. The reality is I am now 43 and the clock is for sure ticking. The doc was awesome and went over the battery of testing that I will go through and the various options we have, assuming I do in fact still have some viable eggs.

So the next step is simple. This weekend we are undergoing IUI – Intrauterine Insemination. In the am my Mr will have a date with a cup, then the tech will take his… uh… “sample” and test it. Once tested they will then “prepare” it. I don’t really know what that entails, I imagine it is the medical version of the Braveheart speech – just getting his boys ready for the mission, throwing on a sperm war paint and getting PUMPED! A couple hours later I go in and well as they explain it (I have never done this so I am just going by what they tell me) they will place a catheter all the way in to deposit the boys into the uterus giving them a little head start on their journey.

Can I tell you. This is weird. Seriously. As the nurse was explaining to me how this all works – all I could think is how the hell does anyone get pregnant? I mean it sounds impossible, so many moons need to line up. Those little swimmers have a pretty hefty journey. It is nothing short of miraculous – with or without medical intervention. The other thing I was thinking was “try not to laugh and reveal you have the maturity of Beavis and Butthead”…

NOW, If I don’t get pregnant with this, then the battery of tests starts. And I won’t lie – they don’t sound pleasant. And If the tests come back that I do have viable eggs – we will then move on to a more aggressive treatment plan. With needles and stuff. Lets hope it doesn’t come to that.

I have tried to temper my feelings. After all – there are countless couples who are struggling to have a baby, let alone their 5th. I have been blessed with four amazing daughters, so I really have nothing to complain about. But that said, this journey is sobering. At every turn I am reminded that I am in fact a mother of “ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE”. I am bombarded with statistics and reminders of all the things that can go wrong and how being 43 just increases all those chances. But the Mr. and I just know – we have one more little waiting for us. So our journey continues. More to come…

I am

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On this Inaugural day, I think it’s time I lay my cards out on the table. I have kept my thoughts and political and personal beliefs to myself in recent months, mainly due to an overwhelming amount of negativity I see. My hope in doing so, those who know me and happen to like me, can see that the world is much more than black and white, liberal and conservative, republican and democrat. That at the heart of it all we are all Americans trying to get our piece of the American dream. We (at least most of us) are just people trying to do the right thing for our little tribes and hopefully making the world as a whole a little better. Perhaps before being quick to label someone who may sit across the line from you with insulting and derogatory labels,  you will realize we have more common thread than you may believe. And this goes both ways. So here it goes… this is who I am.

I am a woman. A short, kind of round, pink haired wife, mother, sister, daughter, favorite auntie, and all around kick ass, take no prisoners, mama bear – woman. I take pride in being a woman. I am proud to be soft, squishy, pretty, feminine, sexy, sweet, smart, funny, sensitive, yet still strong and firm standing. I don’t think sending my Mister off with a hot breakfast and a lunch is demeaning. I take pride in trying (although I falter) a nice home, craft pretty things, I cook most of the meals, and I am a whip out your boob and breastfeed your baby kind of mom. I work full-time running my own consulting business and I am in the midst of launching a new business. I celebrate womanhood.

Politically speaking, I fall pretty squarely on the Conservative Republican team. I believe in family. I believe that the traditional “nuclear” family is an awesome thing. I believe many societal problems we have stem from a breakdown of the family and a lessening in the importance of respecting ones elders and authority. I was a single mother for a solid decade before I met the love of my life, so I know the struggles of having to be everything. I believe babies are tiny humans while still in the womb. I believe in helping others in a way that empowers them to rise up and become independent, contributing members of society. I am a proud first generation immigrant, I was born in the Philippines and became a proud citizen of this great land through my parents who applied to come here, worked hard, waited, proved their worthyness and struggled to become Americans and give their family a better life. I am proud they came over by working with the system not against it.

I am a fan of nature and the connection to the earth. I’ve been an advocate for local, fresh seasonal food for far longer than it has been “en vogue” – I raise my kids to know where their food comes from, where their family comes from, our connection to the earth and how to respect that connection.

My over arching belief is simple. More personal responsibility, Less government. Be awesome. Work hard, play hard, be proud of your successes, learn from your mistakes, help your fellow man and make the world a better place we you finally leave this earth. You do your thing and I will do mine, and as long as you don’t get in the way of my liberties – I won’t stand in the way of yours.

Today I watched the inauguration. I am fascinated and proud of the peaceful transfer of power that takes place. I love the ceremony and grandeur of it all. I am touched by watching women I admire like Ivanka Trump – with a baby on her hip dressed to the nines. I swoon over the clothes and hair and refinement of it all. And as with all major events in this nation – no matter what party is hosting – I love knowing I witnessed a slice of history.

I don’t profess to understand everyone or everything – but I know LOVE. And what gets me up in the morning is simple. The love I have for myself, my Mr, my children, my family, my friends and other loved ones. The deep love I have for them all is what truly brings me joy. I am happy to discuss anything in a positive manner. Have a question, ask. Have a comment – do so with an open heart and kindness and I will listen. If you have a question or want to know my stand on an issue, I am happy to share.