Can you believe it, little old me, the coconutgoddess, has a boyfriend?

In this experiment on love, I have learned a lot about myself.

This is the year I turn 40. And yes, I know “age ain’t nothing but a number”, but it is still defining point in my life. {In fact it is a little bit of an issue for me in my relationship. (not Matt – he doesn’t really see our age difference, this one is all me and my head) Moving on…} With anything new, there are insecurities that come up to the surface. Even seemingly simple moments like, finding myself missing my man, make me stop and think. “who am I? I am not that girl? I don’t miss a man, long for them, get all giddy at the thought of them, smiley when I talk to them? I am not that girl!” But to be honest, I don’t even really know what that means. Does being “that girl” mean I lose who I am somehow? I have been there before and don’t want to go back. I like who I am.

So in this experiment on love, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life, who I am, where I want to be and who I want to be. I have learned a lot about myself. And with that learning, I have made some commitments to myself. And I have learned, that I CAN BE “THAT GIRL”… and still be me.

This is the year that I have committed to live my most bold, authentic, free, fun and fearless
To believe, be, play, desire, love, work, create, and grow on my terms.


But what does that mean, really?

Like I have said before on this blog. I want to have a life full of love. I want my children to never wonder if they are loved. I want them to always know that everything I do is for them. That they are my life and my world… and that I will always be here to protect them, teach them, love them, and yes have fun with them.

I also want love thats on my terms. I find myself in this “modern love story” and I don’t want to wake up from the dream. It’s exciting, and fun, romantic, and passionate… and it is I believe very real. I have jumped and now I am splashing away enjoying every moment of it. And you know what, its ok to be “that girl”. I do miss my guy when he’s away. I do think about him and it warms my heart,  I smile like a 16 year old with a crush when I talk to him. And I think I am ok with that. Just because I am all those things, doesn’t mean I am not me. I am just a little more fluffy…lol.

Something I am working on is being more fully accepting of love. I have so much to give, but its still hard for me to take it all in. To not question motive or sincerity. I realize that  it is something in ME that does this. So this will be a work in progress.

Fun – I want to have a fun year. I am a fun person… I really am. And I think most people in my life know this. But recently – life’s problems and issues have put a damper on my fun side. So I am making a commitment to just sit back and enjoy all that life has to offer even when life is challenging. That means not taking myself so seriously. That means not sweating the small stuff. That also means comic con, movie premiers and all the fairs and festivals I can get to!

Creative – I have not felt very creative. The ebb and flow of my creativity has really been on a low simmer a long while now. But I am not going to sweat it. My creativity will flow again, this I know. What form, what that means – I have to wait to find out.

Music – along the lines of feeding my creative spirit comes more music. I have reconnected with my music recently. It is a direct line to my emotions, so I think I have set it aside so that I would not have to face them. But I am now in a place where I want to express myself again through my music. Not for fame or money, but simply for me.

Beliefs – I have challenged my own belief system this year. This does not change the fact that I am a member of the Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a modern mormon woman. I have deep faith but I don’t follow blindly. I am imperfect in many ways. But I love my God and I believe I have a personal relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. I love unconditionally, and sometimes that means I don’t alway agree. But I will always err on the side of love.

More than anything.. this is my year to be me. To have the love and life I have always wanted. To be sexy without apology, to be geeky without shame, driven in my career, “become Aphrodite” through my training, and most of all –  to love without limit.

Diary of a (not so) Single Mom – Ana