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Damn I’m Beautiful

“I felt free once I realized I was NEVER going to fit the NARROW mold that society wanted me to fit in.” – Ashley Graham

I am 41 soon to be 42. I have a two month old baby and three teenage daughters. My belly is round, my boobs big, and hips and thighs are full. A few weeks ago, in a sleep deprived post baby moment I had a breakdown. Laying in bed I looked at my Mr. and cried. I spewed out my feelings of insecurity and self loathing of my body. That I felt fat and ugly and totally unsexy. And my Mr. in his sometimes shocking, always honest and blunt manner looked at me. He didn’t coddle and console me. He verbally shook me. He basically said STOP IT and told me without mincing words that I was being insulting and shallow.

Shocked – I sat up – hormones still working their magic – and went into “B” mode. What the hell.. I wanted someone to hold me in my self loathing, how could he be so insensitive. And it was in that moment that he reminded me of who I was. That I am this totally awesome, capable, smart, funny, talented chick. That I was the mother of his children and our new little one. That I was the one he stood on that beach in Maui with and commited his life to. That I was the one he loved and lusted after… that I was the one he wanted – all of me, rolls, fluff, big boobs (ok those are a plus) and all and that he will be chasing after me in his walker when we are in our 90s. So to pull it together and stop watching the real housewives of what ever be the confident girl he fell in love with.

I wish I could say at that moment I woke up from my daze of self loathing. I didnt. I am sure my post preganacy hormones were a part of it. Even after coming home from my 6 week post partum appointment to find out that I was 20 lbs lighter than when I had started my pregnancy wasnt enough to shake me out of it. Honestly, I dont know what it was. Perhaps it has been my awesome mr. who makes me feel sexy and loved daily – even when I am leaking milk and covered in baby puke. Maybe it is how busy I have been with new work and responsibilities and feeling productive. Or mabye it is just looking at Samara and realizing this amazing little bundle of awesomeness came from me and mr. What ever it is, I am happy.

And now that I am happy with who I am and how I look – I have decided to take the next step. With all the yummy holiday food I am going to do my best to eat healthy breakfasts and lunches during the week, to hop on the bike at least three times a week, and maybe, just maybe – throw in some weight training in there. But what ever happens…

I am happy. Happy with my fluffy, sexy, food loving, exersize hating, awesome self.



Roast Pork a weeknight recipe

Roast Pork with Sage

Roast Pork

Roast Pork is a wonderful weeknight dinner. This roast pork takes very little hands on time. After seasoning the roast you just pop it in the oven and you can almost forget about it! The cut of meat is also inexpensive making it very budget friendly. If this isn’t reason enough to try this very delicious meal – the leftovers can be used in many other dishes, perfect for weeknight dinner prep!


  • 4-5 lb pork shoulder
  • kosher salt
  • fresh cracked pepper
  • 6 cloves of garlic
  • 1/4 cup whole grain mustard
  • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh sage
  • 1/4 cup olive oil

Season the pork roast with salt and pepper and place set aside.

Place the garlic into a mortar and crush to a fine paste. Add the remaining ingredients and combine to make a thick paste.

Slather the roast with the paste rubbing it into all the little crevices of the roast. Allow to marinate for at least 30 minutes or overnight.

Place the pork onto a rack in a heavy roasting pan. Add two cups of water or beer at the bottom of the pan, and cover with a lid. Roast in the oven at 325 degrees for four hours or until pull apart tender. If you have time, you can baste the roast a couple times but if not – it will be fine. Once the roast is pull apart tender, remove from the oven and pull into big chunks to serve. I like this recipe because if you need to get it on the table a little sooner, just slice, if you leave it in the oven a little longer it just gets more tender. A very forgiving recipe great for those busy weeknights.

I served this with creamy polenta and wilted chard. It would also be amazing with mashed potatoes or even some steamed white rice.

For more of my favorite recipes, be sure to check out my Exploration Food board on Pinterest.



C-Section -the recovery

So ending up with an emergency c-section was not the worst thing in the world I have to admit. I was so sedated and numb – the actual procedure was kind of a blur. (thankfully) recovery has been quite a ride.

The Pain

Yes. It hurts. The first day of recovery was deceiving. In the O.R. the anesthesiologist let me know he was pumping my epidural with some morphine that should last about 24 hours to help take the edge off things. I would also be given some oral pain meds. This kept me pretty calm and pain free this first day. Sure, I felt some soreness around my incision sight and my belly was certainly sore – but it wasn’t too bad. Sometime that morning the nurses helped me get up from bed, walking to the bathroom to get cleaned up a little. All I could think is, I have totally got this! This is almost easier than delivering naturally.

Then came day 2.

Morphine is worn off. And the full effect pain started to creep in. NOW I am hurting. And now is when the nurses came in to tell me that they needed me to take a walk to keep my system running and to prevent clots. WALK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Slightly moving from side to side is enough to make me want to die – WALK?!

Day 3. Talked to my doctor and yes, I am still in pain but its managed by my meds pretty well. I am getting up several times on my own to walk around the floor, and I have no problem feeding or holding Samara. In fact, I want out of the hospital. The doctor advised me that the stay is usually 4-5 days – but I really can not deal with the constant parade of nurses, weird people talking in the hallway and all the distractions of the hospital. So I beg my doc to let me go early and continue my recovery at home. After all, I have a medical husband who can keep an eye on me and a whole army of helpers.

He asked me to wait til the end of the day so he could take my staples out. And I went home at the end of day 3.