For the first time in exactly 10 years – I changed my Facebook relationship status. A simple thing really. For some, it caused joy, happiness, and excitement. For others worry, concern, and confusion. I get it, how does a self proclaimed relationship phobic, dating queen, with a six week rule and a full dance card go from perpetual singledom to “in a relationship” in a weekend.
Well its beyond a weekend. My experiment in love, trying to figure out what it is and what it is to me has led me here.
Like everyone finding themselves single after a divorce.. I needed some time to become one with me again. 10 years later – I am still single, but pretty ok with who I am – imperfections and all. I got into my little routine. My own way of coping with things like loneliness and longing. Mainly complete denial… but coping none the less. But as I started to open my self up to the possibility of love and companionship I realized that there was a moment that would come. That moment when you have to leap. There comes a moment when you have allow yourself to vulnerable to reach greater depth. And I have run from this like the plague. I don’t believe in fate, or romance, or kismat – what ever voodoo magic you want to call it. I am much more decisive and intelligent about this. Bottom line – I am totally in control of my fate when it comes to love.
Well.. enter in Matthew. I won’t go into details at this point… I’ll save that for another time. But I found myself totally swept off my feet and facing a choice. Jump in and take a chance on love…or do what I always do… and risk “this” just fading into obscurity. As a friend and I had discussed before, there is no depth without that vulnerability. And hell. its not like the way I have been doing things is exactly working.
I was very glad my daughter was around when I was thinking over this. I asked her – is this crazy? Am I crazy? And she simply replied – what’s crazy is not going for what you have been looking for, for so long. I can already see how happy you are. She said… just jump. Just go for it mommy.
And you know what – I did. I jumped.
Funny thing is, yes – looking from the outside in it is really fast, a little crazy, and so different from my usual m.o. But thats all a good thing. I am totally NOT in control of what is going on. All I know is that TODAY – I am happy, I feel beautiful, funny, desired, and alive. I don’t know what’s going to happen or where this all leads. But I know – its worth finding out. And so jump I did. I am taking a chance on love… and if there is any worth gambling on LOVE is it.