“I felt free once I realized I was NEVER going to fit the NARROW mold that society wanted me to fit in.” – Ashley Graham

I am 41 soon to be 42. I have a two month old baby and three teenage daughters. My belly is round, my boobs big, and hips and thighs are full. A few weeks ago, in a sleep deprived post baby moment I had a breakdown. Laying in bed I looked at my Mr. and cried. I spewed out my feelings of insecurity and self loathing of my body. That I felt fat and ugly and totally unsexy. And my Mr. in his sometimes shocking, always honest and blunt manner looked at me. He didn’t coddle and console me. He verbally shook me. He basically said STOP IT and told me without mincing words that I was being insulting and shallow.

Shocked – I sat up – hormones still working their magic – and went into “B” mode. What the hell.. I wanted someone to hold me in my self loathing, how could he be so insensitive. And it was in that moment that he reminded me of who I was. That I am this totally awesome, capable, smart, funny, talented chick. That I was the mother of his children and our new little one. That I was the one he stood on that beach in Maui with and commited his life to. That I was the one he loved and lusted after… that I was the one he wanted – all of me, rolls, fluff, big boobs (ok those are a plus) and all and that he will be chasing after me in his walker when we are in our 90s. So to pull it together and stop watching the real housewives of what ever be the confident girl he fell in love with.

I wish I could say at that moment I woke up from my daze of self loathing. I didnt. I am sure my post preganacy hormones were a part of it. Even after coming home from my 6 week post partum appointment to find out that I was 20 lbs lighter than when I had started my pregnancy wasnt enough to shake me out of it. Honestly, I dont know what it was. Perhaps it has been my awesome mr. who makes me feel sexy and loved daily – even when I am leaking milk and covered in baby puke. Maybe it is how busy I have been with new work and responsibilities and feeling productive. Or mabye it is just looking at Samara and realizing this amazing little bundle of awesomeness came from me and mr. What ever it is, I am happy.

And now that I am happy with who I am and how I look – I have decided to take the next step. With all the yummy holiday food I am going to do my best to eat healthy breakfasts and lunches during the week, to hop on the bike at least three times a week, and maybe, just maybe – throw in some weight training in there. But what ever happens…

I am happy. Happy with my fluffy, sexy, food loving, exersize hating, awesome self.

 

 

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