On Sunday March 5, 2017 – I suffered a miscarriage, losing our miracle baby. It is now Friday, and only now do I have the strength and hope in my heart to even talk about this. Some may ask, “why share such a personal painful thing?” First – I share this story for those who have felt this heartbreak in their own lives and like me – didn’t find much comfort or even information online. Second, I share this story because I am surprised how little I knew about what was happening to me physically, and again, I couldn’t find the answers. I know every woman is different, and simply put – this is just another chapter in our little love story.
Sunday was like any other day, until went to the restroom and discovered I was bleeding. Instantly I went into panic as it was just a little – it was pretty similar to a period. We went into the doctors office where they did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat and that the baby was a week behind in development. As the technician walked out he said how sorry he was – and left me with my Mr to get dressed. I cried. At that moment I felt all the loss a mother could feel losing her baby. This was our baby who we worked so hard for, we sacrificed so much for – and now – they were gone.
I spent the rest of the day basically in bed – heartbroken and crying as my body worked to expel the tissue that was once the center of my universe. When the moment came that I passed the fetal tissue – I was devastated. It was different from everything else, it was just clot or blood – it was – different. I spent most of the evening cramping and bleeding. Six days later, I am still bleeding – but my body is healing. It is down to a normal period flow and I can feel my body beginning to recover. I have been trying to eat healthier to encourage that healing and overall wellness.
My heart is a different matter. Each day is a little better, today is the first day I feel like a little bit of my old self again. I took the baby out for errands, spent time playing blocks and chasing her up the stairs while wrangling our new puppy. For the first time since it happened, the pain and loss in my heart were just at a slow burn and no longer the center of my world.
But there are those moment when a tear comes to my eyes. Like as I was picking up the bedroom and found the sweet baby gown I purchased for our new little one just a few days before the miscarriage. Or when the sweet woman at the grocery store asked me how I was feeling and I broke down and replied that I had lost the baby, or even just laying in bed in the quiet of the evening where there are no distractions from our loss.
This is the pain of losing a baby – and do not mistake – that was our baby. It wasn’t just a clump of cells easily discarded. I know I will see this sweet baby someday and I will meet the one who God needed to come back by his side.
Today, I am hopeful. I know that my Mr and I will have our sweet miracle soon enough. I believe in our love and the knowledge we share that there is a sweet little spirit waiting to come and be all ours. Today I am going to hold my babies close, even the ones that are taller than me. I am going to kiss my sweet Mr. and try to focus on all we have and all that is coming. And yes – I will likely shed another tear, for the little one we lost at least for this life. Not every chapter of a love story is a happy one, but I am hopeful that the next one can be.